If only actual reality were like reality TV.

I mean, I'm a "joe bachelor"... where are the 30 hot girls trying to win me over and being scandalously offensive towards my moral upbringing?

I'd like to get 25,000 dollars for every time I accidentally eat insects or rat body parts from cheap fast food joints.

Maybe I could have a panel of American Idol judges around for every decision I have to make:

-- Randy: "That parking space is ayt dawg. A little far from the entrace, but you can walk the walk."
-- Paula: "You know I am a huge, huge fan of your driving. That parking space is perfect. You are perfect. The whole world is filled with pretty rainbows, pretty colored butterflies and sugar coated lollipops."
-- Simon: "The problem with that Parking Space is it's NOT a smart space. Only an idiot would park that far. It is dreadful. You are dreadful. I am gay."

It would be cool if more queer guys had as their purpose in life to drive around giving us free clothes, free haircuts, free food, free furniture and free tips on how to score with chicks (although, really... how credible is the source for that last one?) everytime we have a dinner to go to, or a speech to make, or even just for that all important trip to the Automated Teller Machine.

In real life, how would a straight guy really react to five, flamboyantly gay strangers suddenly barging into his house and rifling through his underwear and porn collection?

I probably wouldn't mind Paris Hilton living with my family for a few weeks. (Although Nicole Richie can go take a road trip...)

I'd also like to be able to vote off every person in my life who gives me grief. And my dentist too while I'm at it. A couple of weeks from now, our company is going off on a beach trip. One of my officemates and I figure this might be a good opportunity to thin the herd...

-- "Cynthia from marketing, the tribe has spoken. You Are the weakest link. You're Fired."

Then we'd see the exit interview as the credits roll across the screen.