31.3.05

If only actual reality were like reality TV.

I mean, I'm a "joe bachelor"... where are the 30 hot girls trying to win me over and being scandalously offensive towards my moral upbringing?

I'd like to get 25,000 dollars for every time I accidentally eat insects or rat body parts from cheap fast food joints.

Maybe I could have a panel of American Idol judges around for every decision I have to make:

-- Randy: "That parking space is ayt dawg. A little far from the entrace, but you can walk the walk."
-- Paula: "You know I am a huge, huge fan of your driving. That parking space is perfect. You are perfect. The whole world is filled with pretty rainbows, pretty colored butterflies and sugar coated lollipops."
-- Simon: "The problem with that Parking Space is it's NOT a smart space. Only an idiot would park that far. It is dreadful. You are dreadful. I am gay."

It would be cool if more queer guys had as their purpose in life to drive around giving us free clothes, free haircuts, free food, free furniture and free tips on how to score with chicks (although, really... how credible is the source for that last one?) everytime we have a dinner to go to, or a speech to make, or even just for that all important trip to the Automated Teller Machine.

In real life, how would a straight guy really react to five, flamboyantly gay strangers suddenly barging into his house and rifling through his underwear and porn collection?

I probably wouldn't mind Paris Hilton living with my family for a few weeks. (Although Nicole Richie can go take a road trip...)

I'd also like to be able to vote off every person in my life who gives me grief. And my dentist too while I'm at it. A couple of weeks from now, our company is going off on a beach trip. One of my officemates and I figure this might be a good opportunity to thin the herd...

-- "Cynthia from marketing, the tribe has spoken. You Are the weakest link. You're Fired."

Then we'd see the exit interview as the credits roll across the screen.

29.3.05

And yet I have time for this!?


I have this book on Time Management for Creative People.

I bought it at a book shop in Hong Kong three years ago,

It's blue, about the size of a small pocketbook and is roughly half as thick as a VHS tape.

Sadly, I haven't found the time to read it.

I would have (found time, that is) if I had only read the book.

But I haven't.


It's a vicious cycle.

If Looks Could Kill...

Flipping through the channels as I got ready for work this morning, I chanced upon this groundbreaking news story.
Vicky Belo wants to open a Beauty Hospital.

Yes, that's right.

Now, I'm sure the good people at the Belo group do good work. But what intrigues me is this:

Are we really that ugly that we now need full time medical care for our looks?

How ugly does a person have to be to be rushed to a hospital for it?

Caller: "911... my girlfriend... oh my god. help us.. she's... she's"

911: "Sir, calm down. tell me what's wrong."

Caller: "She has.. has... a pimple! Oh God!"

Caller: "OK, don't do anything. Our paramedics are on their way."

Would these paramedics arrive carrying first aid kits... or make up kits?

I would love to see the E.R. at one of these places -- If only to see what constitutes a Beauty Emergency.

This opens up a lot of moral and philosophical questions that will ellicit heated debates from all sectors of society.

Questions like:

-- Can a person call in sick from work because she's flat chested?

-- Or would a note saying "Please excuse my son from class today. His skin is dry." be considered valid?

-- And lastly, would a man with a face that looks like the scrotum of 94 year old Rhino with a fungal infection and nostrils that look like 110 Volt power outlets qualify to park in the handicap spot?

I'm telling you, if they are truly dedicated to their mission... I'd better not see any fat and ugly Filipinos by the year 2025.

28.3.05

I, sheep


Well, I finally did it.

I opened a blog account.

The ego trip status-symbol du jour.

Actually, the phrase "du jour" itself seems to be the phrase du jour nowadays.

For the uninitiated, du jour sort of refers to the trend "of the moment".

Think: "What's in", "What's hot" , "Coffee of the day" or "The it-thing."
All terms which mean the same thing but are soooo 5 minutes ago.

Like Friendster. I suppose. (Yesterday's ego trip du jour.)

I'll probably wear out that term if I keep using it.

Du jour du jour du jour....

Blog- which I've learned is a shortened nickname for web log-actually seems like a bad sound effect to me.

"It was late and McKenzie was typing away at his web journal. Lost in his thoughts, our hero failed to sense the sinister figure approach him from behind. Blog! When McKenzie awoke, he was in a dark cramped compartment. Perhaps the trunk of a moving automobile. He could hear the speed bumps as his captors raced through the city."

"Ka-blog. Ka-blog. Ka-blog."

Here's something else this late bloomer discovered: Blogs have been around for years! So if you were blogging as early as 1985 or whenever it was that this thing was invented, you are not sheep. You might even be considered pioneers.

Much like a person wearing tie dyed shirts and listening to Usher in the mid 1800s.

I, on the other hand, jumped on this bandwagon just as blogs were already everywhere. Doing my bit to clog up the information superhighway (information superhighway-buzzword du jour circa 1997) with more traffic.

Now, don't get me wrong. Blogs can be useful.

Distinguished journalists and some of today's greatest minds use blogs to share their deep insights and eye opening perspectives with the web surfing public.

However, it also provides an avenue for the not-so-great minds to spew their self indulgent garbage for all the world to see.

Case in point: Me.

What did I do to earn the right to broadcast my random drivel? I had an email address- Now the only pre-requisite for owning a soap box or pulpit.

I wish getting a loan approval was this easy.

You realize this means that if the late, great Andy Warhol were around today, and he made that 15 minutes crack, it wouldn't be so impressive.

AW: "In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes."

US: "Shut up you over-moussed freak."

Then again, if he were around today. He wouldn't even bother to say it. He'd just post it on his blog.

A lot of people use blogs as online diaries. Which, while very respectful, begs the question: Wasn't there a time when diaries weren't meant to be read by other folks? Still, it is always nice to keep a journal of your personal thoughts or views. And there really is nothing wrong with opening it up for all the world to see.

Except if you're a complete moron. In which case it's better to keep your inane ravings to yourself. (*mandatory comeback: author should take his own advice)

But hey, that's technology for you. To embrace it is to use it for both great things, and for trivial affairs of the self.

To be sure, I am in no way discouraging my fellow bloggers (for one thing, it's a little late in the game to be a self righteous prick... not to mention hypocritical)

However I would like to point out that we are all just a few letters removed from "boogers"

So here I am. Wasting MY time so that someday (should you chance upon this entry) I could waste yours as well.